I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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