2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
