btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
