If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
