Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
