I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
