i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
