I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
