i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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