I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
