I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
