he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize
