I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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