I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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