It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
