3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
