dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
