if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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