Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
