but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I don't deserve a penis
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
