There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
