Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
