I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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