that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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