I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
