he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
