You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
