O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
