no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
