I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Drunk is not a location!
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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