i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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