Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
