6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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