Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
