Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
