No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
