drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Floor bacon is actually really good
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
