just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
