I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
