Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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