Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
