peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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