Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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