I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
