he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
