i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
