He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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