woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
