So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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