when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
