So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
