I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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